I'm quite embarrassed. Had I realized that this was only my second blog post in 2012, I would have written more. But don't worry. I have a lot to say. After all, we just got back from a 10 day trip to Florida. That's 10 days of people watching, Disney experiencing, and family confinement. Plenty of stuff to talk about. For those that do enjoy the blog, get ready for 10 - yes, 10 - blog posts. I'm detailing every day. Why? Because if you went on vacation and saw what I saw, you'd have a lot to say as well.
Before we dive into the festivities of Day 1, however, I must provide some backstory. I'm a bit OCD. Elisa would call it a personality flaw. Or a serious medical condition. I consider it cute and adorable. Like Marilyn Monroe's beauty mark, or Lindsay Lohan's mug shot collection. This OCD pours over into our vacation planning. I'm sure many of you go out to Expedia, do a few searches, glance at the travel section on your Kindle, and head out for the great unknown. I need my security blanket. I need to know what we're doing and when.
To be fair, if you ever go to Walt Disney World, I don't recommend going without a hefty dose of OCD. The place is huge, you will spend half your vacation waiting for a table at a restaurant, and you will only see about half of the things you really want to as you snuggle up next to stinky Disney World guests in a 80 minute line (and sadly, consider this "normal Disney"). Again, if you ask Elisa, she'd just tell you I have nothing a good psychiatrist couldn't fix.
Anyway, you must know that my planning doesn't simply include mapping out the parks we will visit or the places we will eat at. Oh no, that would be child's play. Still not convinced? Still think you and I are on the same page in our trip planning excellence? Let me illustrate. When trying to find the best restaurants to eat at in Disney World (and there are over 100), I might have looked at a few online reviews. Okay, 34,000 - does that count? I also subscribed to a couple choice websites that spend their entire existence tracking the crowd patterns of the 4 Disney parks, predicting the wait times of individual rides on individual days. Thank goodness there are apps for that!
But I didn't keep this fun and excitement to myself! No, I brought the others into the party. To get Lukas (and probably myself) excited about the trip, I also sent a daily email to those attending the trip (Elisa, Lukas, my Mom, and my Dad) with a countdown. I started on day 250. That meant 250 emails. Early on, I shared dining menus with the crew and had them choose between them in a sort of tournament. And with 150 days to go, I started providing clues to a daily Disney character. The adults would try to guess and earn points.
Go ahead, be impressed. Or slightly frightened. I'm available for work social events and children's parties. I can impress them with the joy of 34,000 dining reviews. Enough of the backstory, though. You have enough to start to understand the madness of the next 10 days. And trust me, we get started in prime fashion. I even find a way (well, Disney did) of squeezing some shameless toilet humor in.
The events started on Thursday, September 20th. The night before, as I started to doze off, I found myself slightly disappointed. I remembered the days where I was so excited about a vacation that I couldn't sleep. Now, I was just hoping that I'd get a full 8 hours before the extravaganza had begun. We were 99% packed (OCD, I said) and I reveled in the thought of Lukas laying in his bed, teaming with excitement. Our plane wasn't scheduled to depart Salt Lake until 9:40AM, so we got up at normal time (well, Elisa was a usual rock star and pulled out of bed at 4:30 to exercise...I envisioned myself exercising while I lay in bed). We got ready and finished our packing. And then played the fun game of "stick the luggage on the scale!" Nothing like trying to strategically position an oversized rolling suitcase on a small weight scale, hoping that you get an accurate reading!
We ran around the house, because Elisa also has a fun little quirk (something I've kind of grown to appreciate) about her when we go on vacation. The house must be pristine. Clean toilets, floors, with an empty dishwasher. It's quite impressive. Instead of just piling on a mountain of luggage, we worry about dusting as well. If anything, though, it makes me feel like I've earned my vacation. And there is something comforting about arriving back home and not having to go right back to "ALL" of the regular chores.
But clearly, if I don't move on, I'll start detailing the finer intricacies of the toilet wand pre-vacation, so let's move along. We headed for the airport, only to be greeted by 8:00AM morning traffic. I thought to myself that this would probably be the only time we were late on the trip, and there have been worse experiences for a seasoned trip planner.
In 2004 we were also headed to Florida. I had, similarly to this trip, planned an entire extravaganza. Every detail had been planned. No small thought had been missed. We arrived at the Park 'N Jet with over two hours to spare. We got to the Sky Cap, started checking bags, and I handed the agent my driver's license. Needless to say, it had expired a month and a half before. I perfected the art of driving like hell, scaring Park 'N Jet shuttle drivers, nearly breaking into a safe, and procuring my birth certificate. We got back with exactly 1 minute to spare. So much for planning.
As we arrived at the airport, I checked my license for the 756th time, only to also know that I had my passport (gee, I wonder why I got one of those!). I was slightly bemused when we pulled all of our bags off the Diamond Parking shuttle and the driver said "enjoy living in Florida!" . You mean we might have overpacked? Next came security, which introduced us to another fun part (not) of a 5 year old. Lukas wants to be an adult. So when security told him that he didn't need to remove his shoes, it was like Christmas was cancelled. Two shoes removed, he was pulling himself together while I was starting a tradition unlike any other.
You see, months before the trip, Miles had started showing signs of potential potty training. I predicted to Elisa that he would be potty trained by the trip. We were about 1 week into him being fully dry at night, with no accidents during the day. But this invoked the 2 hour (or any semblance of a time over 15 minutes from the last toilet visit). And apparently, trying to get a 2-year old to sit on a toilet with his pants around his ankles isn't quite the smartest tactic. Don't worry. For those that read the rest of vacation blog entries, I'll enlighten you on my evolving techniques.
Nearly before getting on the flight, I unveiled the parting gifts for the adults. Remember how I had done Disney character contests? It was time to award gifts for the points they earned. Everyone got a favorite snack for the flight. Everyone had also earned a $10 Starbucks gift card. My mom and Elisa had gone a bit beyond that and earned a $20 Disney gift card (that would cover about 2 suckers, right?). And Elisa, as the big winner, got a couple of Disney charms for her Pandora bracelet. As I gave out the gifts, I noticed the strange looks I was getting from a collection of about 20 seniors getting ready for a flight. Really? You're going to judge me for giving out trinkets for a Disney character guessing game? I'm not a part of the group wearing identical red shirts enblazened with "Senior Circle" on the front. I won't lie. After getting the strange looks, I secretly caught a glance of one of their plane tickets. We were going to Orlando, they were going to DC. Whew.
Aboard the plane, we took off without problem, and got the kids settled into iPads. I thought getting them entertainment would be the tough part. No, that was easy. Apparently, it's navigating the parents through technology that's the difficult part. My Dad thought he had downloaded The Help for my mom. Instead, he only downloaded the "iTunes Extras". I made the offer to my Mom that she could watch The Hunger Games on my iPhone. After giving me lemon face, she tried it out and had a furious battle with the volume control for a good 5 minutes. My Dad, clearly not expecting that these events would transpire, started watching The Lion King. I don't think he got through Circle of Life. Somewhere along the way, he paused it at bowing zebras and the game was up. He moved onto bigger and better activities...like sleeping.
No sooner had they announced that the featured movie was "What to Expect When You're Expecting" did my Mom frisbee my iPhone back. Apparently she's not a fan of The Hunger Games...or at least the first 5 minutes of it. Over the course of the next 4 hours, I wish I could say we had tremendous excitement. Sadly, the most exciting experience happened twice. If I thought wrestling a potty training child in an airport stall was an adventure, I wasn't fully prepared for doing it in an airplane bathroom closet. Miles kept wanting to flush the toilet. I kept having visions of us both walking out covered in neon blue goo. Beyond that, the only other excitement was the toddler one row ahead of us. While the other 4 kids on the row...yep, it was that traditional Utah family...were behaved, this child cried, cried some more, wailed as if it had lost a limb, drank it's bottle with such force you'd think it was a human suction cup, and threw up all over Mom. Once we were off the plane, I thought we were free and already needed a drink.
We stopped at a bathroom (I think this was visit #5 already), and got to see that same screaming toddler, well, scream just outside the Men's room. Orlando airport actually has mini monorails to get you from the terminal to the main luggage and rental car location. As we climbed into the monorail, we were greeted with the familiar screams of toddler devil. We exited as fast as we could. Upon getting to baggage claim, I had serious thoughts of abandoning our bags just to escape the child, as our cute little ones just stood like little angels. Okay, Benadryl'd and Valiumed angels, but angels nonetheless (I kid). We arrived at National's Emerald Aisle, only to be greeted with an assortment of 32 minivans. Elisa and I aren't fans of the car, but with 2 kids, 4 adults, and half of our earthly possessions in suitcases, you swallow your pride and get the caravan. By the time we were loaded in, I was already enjoying the humidity. I was a sweaty mess. Elisa took the time and care to notice. And comment. A few times.
As we were getting ready to pull out of the garage, I asked my Dad where the GPS was. He quickly informed me that it was at in the suitcase in the back, covered by 7 other bags and the stroller from hell (well, it's a Bob. Best stroller on earth, but describing it as bulky would be an understatement). Again, I was reminded that parents and technology don't mix. I also wondered if my Mom should start offering to pack my Dad's bags for vacation. With the GPS out of the question, Elisa and I went old school. We found directions online and she read them to me. That was fun. Can I have the GPS back?
But then we were off. The anticipation of looking for and then going under the Walt Disney World sign was worth it. The kids were thrilled. I was home. Vacation had begun. We pulled up to the gate of our hotel (Disney's Beach Club Resort), and I proudly told them we were staying on Club level (concierge). We parked in valet, and I shook my head sadly at the bellhop that was unprepared for the waterfall of luggage that was soon to greet him. I should have told him to be careful with the bag on the bottom - word had it, there was a GPS device in there! A Cast Member (they aren't employees at Disney) greeted us, and walked us over to the check-in desk. Now, I know the benefits of Club Level. You are on the top floor, with access to their lounge (drinks, snacks, etc.). I should have known that something was off when he didn't direct us upstairs.
Once I told him we were on Club level, he U-Turned, and got us upstairs. And I was met by the nerdiest and snortiest cast member of them all. His teeth glistened in all different colors, and he kept sniffing. This wasn't the dry sniff. No, it was moist. I had immediate fear of catching Bubonic Plague on Day 1 of the trip. After a prolonged check in, he gave us our room keys and told us to go two floors down. I was puzzled. This isn't what I signed up for. But he added merrily "we've arranged a nice little upgrade for you!"
All the way down, I was stupidly envisoning that we had won the secret Disney lottery and would find ourselves in a Suite (courtesy of Disney and Mickey). When we arrived at a standard room overlooking the volleyball court (can you say upgrade!?), I beelined it back to Club Level to inquire about our special upgrade. Wet Sniffles got on the horn to figure out what the problem was. Apparently, they thought our access to Concierge was the upgrade that we hadn't paid for.
Little did I know that Elisa got the real upgrade. Upon visiting the bathroom, she found that the last resident had left an upgrade in the toilet. Yum. Nothing says Beach Club Resort like a dukie in the can! You can only imagine how her text (thankfully, no picture was included) improved my mood. Wet Sniffles sat on the phone listening to someone else talk. I found that he would remain silent unless I looked at him. He would immediately say "uh huh" to the caller on the other end. I was slightly entertained that a simple glance could illicit an "uh huh". I might have made him do it 23 times. Give or take.
The end result was that Disney had screwed up. When we made a small adjustment to our reservation in May, they changed the whole thing. So Wet Sniffles went into fix it mode. The only problem was we didn't have rooms next to each other, which is kind of a must with two little kids. Grandma and Grandpa are excellent lifeboats when the kids get too much. So they got us back to the Club level but would have to continue to work on getting us rooms next to each other. Honestly, it felt like they were just saying that and wanted to appease my growing temper (the OCD planner in me had started looking for an open bar). So we collected the crew, and headed to room #2. Two rooms in the span of an hour. I felt the power of an upgrade. As a side benefit, though, we ended up getting Club level for free. Screw up again next time, Disney! Just don't include the toilet present.
After settling down, we were off to our first dinner. Yachtsman Steakhouse is a premier dining establishment. One of the highest rated and the cause of great memories from 2004. On that trip, we also had our first meal at the restaurant, and Elisa ordered a Porterhouse steak that actually hung off the side of the plate. Yes, it was that large. The look on her face was priceless. So when we sat down and started perusing the menu, I started pushing her to do it again. She gave into peer pressure, and got the Porterhouse again. And then she ate about 2.3% of it. Atta girl! I, on the other hand, made it look like my plate had just come out of the dishwasher. Perhaps I was still in Elisa's house prep mode?
We headed to our first park at 8:45PM. I had wanted to introduce the kids to Disney, but didn't want them riding rides until our first full day. So we went over to Epcot to see their nighttime fireworks show (Illuminations). We found a nice spot, and started to wait. Entertainment consisted of a cockroach the size of Goofy, and showing my prowess at killing it twice. Apparently, they are quite strong critters. One 10.5 shoe stomp killed it for approximately 3.4 minutes. It started moving again like normal. Eww. The second time, I made sure it wasn't going to get up again. I was in the Disney mood already.
We were able to see the show with a great view, and my shoulders nearly broke off as my 5-year old wanted to view the fireworks from way up high. 15 minutes is a long time for a shoulders ride. And with that, we headed back to the hotel. The kids got snuggled into bed, I sneaked over to the thermostat and programmed it for subzero temperatures, and we were down to dream about Mickey and Snow White.
Coming next...Day 2: Where Miles explores the same fear of women I had between the ages of 16-32, Lukas becomes the thrill seeker, we start to melt, start to swim, start to hear thunder, and then swim without the pool. Oh, and did I mention Room #3?
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