Attack of the Movie

This felt better. Everything was right with the world for a few minutes, at least. As I sat and looked around the half-filled theatre, I felt like we had finally gotten it right. I glanced over at the empty chair next to me, which was soon to be filled by my wife. I had my soda, popcorn, and good seats...well, they were acceptable seats at least. When Elisa sat down, she commented how great the seats were. I smiled. Ah the joys...and differences of Elisa and I and the movies.

I'm convinced that there are two types of people when it comes to the movies. There are the movie fanatics - they love the entire experience, and live for a couple free hours to watch a good flick. If you're channel surfing and come across your favorite, you watch it from beginning to end (and secretly hope that it's on a constant loop so you can watch it again).

On the other side of the "aisle" is the apathetic moviegoer. This is the one that secretly thinks watching a movie is a waste of two hours. Sleep is potentially more attractive, and can be experienced even during a movie. Do they hate movies? No, they tolerate them. No one really hates movies. Right?

I can almost hear the skepticism as you read this. Don't believe that the movies, of all things, live in such a black and white world? Allow me to illustrate the polar opposites, courtesy of a night at the movies with Elisa and Brad. Don't worry. I have proof.

Exhibit #1 - Choosing A Movie

It starts when the idea of a movie is raised. Not surprisingly, I always mention it. Does it matter that there aren't any really good movies out? Of course not. It's always time for a movie. I'd probably go and watch reruns of Razzie winners if it got me to a theatre. My wife, on the other hand, adds her dose of apathy. In what can only be described as a clever game of 20 questions, she breaks down the available options. Action movies are out. Horror films are out. Historical dramas set during times that don't involve a chick flick themed relationship are out. We arrive on comedies, romantic comedies, romantic dramas, G-rated cartoons, and dramas that so entice her apathy that she begrudgingly agrees.

The fanatic in me even puts away the man card for an evening to venture out for a chick flick. Hey, it's the movies! Which leads us to...

Exhibit #2 - Choosing a movie time

My first stop is the website. I start looking at times and come up with convoluted ways to fit a movie into our hectic schedules (2 jobs, 2 kids, 2 pugs, a house, etc.). Usually the plans involve fantastic ideas like air dropping our kids to Grandma's house and buying a Little Caeser's Pizza and slyly concealing it in a special insulated purse that I'll have to invent in the 45 minutes before showtime. Elisa, on the other hand, doesn't want to be burdened. If we're going to do it, a babysitter is booked, we've mapped out enough time to have a wonderful pre-movie dinner, and it is conveniently placed in a theatre that allows us to get home in 5 minutes. Otherwise, not even a comedy (romantic or otherwise) is worth it. A night out turns into "anything on TV?"

Exhibit #3 - Getting tickets

Elisa doesn't like going to movies on opening weekends, even if she's interested in the movie. If we are going to a movie and it's not overly popular (or has been out long enough to move from "must see" to "I think we're the only ones in here...let's make out!" (which consistently is met with a well timed eye roll)), Elisa is content to get tickets at the theatre. What's the point in paying the extra dollar if we know we can get good seats? Oh ho ho! says the fanatic in me. I could bring up a seating chart that has every possible seat available and I can't help myself. I must book online and reserve my seats. What if a tour bus stops by right before we get there, and the only available seats are on the front row? Why take the chance that a Groupon for that movie and that showtime is released, leading to a calvacade of excitement? Book em, Danno!

Exhibit #4 - Choosing seats

That's only half the battle. I spend an inordinate amount of time examining the seating chart for the perfect selection. You'd think I secretly pulled out my trusty protractor to measure specific angle...no, I wouldn't get that far...no, it's not possible. And to the surprise of no one, the ONLY acceptable seat is right in the middle. I wake up in cold sweats worried about the angle of my viewing if I had to be two away from center. Don't worry, I'm seeking professional help.

Elisa is an aisle watcher. Why be right in the middle? You have to actually be next to other, disgusting, vile, and germ infested human beings! The aisle is the only way to go. That way, only Brad has to deal with the stranger on the other side. She gets a free side, and a possible escape route if the movie is too bad. I'm convinced she plots our escape when we sit for a movie. I mean, you need to be prepared if the movie is that bad.

Exhibit #5 - Arriving "On Time"

When the tickets have been purchased, the babysitter arranged, and the pre-movie dinner has been eaten, Elisa and I fall into our "black and white" world. As the clock nears "show time", Elisa isn't fazed. The movie doesn't actually start at the given time. You get 10 minutes of stupid movie trailers before the actually movie starts, and we already have our tickets. She's content meandering to our seats, getting snacks, and taking advantage of the restroom facilities.

I, however, view the world differently. The movie trailers are part of the experience! It doesn't matter that I won't see 3/4 of the movies in those trailers (mostly due to Elisa putting the brakes on that WAY back on exhibit #1). If I miss a trailer, it's like I've lost my favorite puppy. And the desire to see silly 30 second previews takes on...unique...behaviors. First, we arrive at the ticket kiosk. Why won't it take my credit card? Could it be that I used someone else's card and the tickets won't come out in time? I resist the urge to man-hug the machine and shake it until the tickets come out. When they do print, I vociferously search the ticket to ensure that it's the right ticket for the right time and the right seats. Woe is me if I made a mistake. Elisa would think it was a get out of jail free card.

Exhibit #6 - The snacks

If there is anything that makes the movies appetizing to Elisa, it's the snacks. Sometimes, it's the popcorn (although we both agree that the oil on the popcorn is not of nature and shouldn't grace the tub), but usually it's the candy. And again, I'm on a mission. I'd rather skip the snacks and get comfortably into my seat so that I can be entranced by the Garbett Homes commercials! Elisa starts filling the candy bag. Is it because it's part of the movie experience? Something that enhances the evening? I'm convinced that it's a well timed shot of sugar to keep her from falling asleep. She fills a small bag, and $17 later, we're off to find our seats.

Common Ground

If you're not convinced of the fanatic vs. the apathetic when it comes to movies, there's no hope for you. Something tells me, however, that you're sitting there and identifying either with me or Elisa. Someone out there is sharing their frustration that entering a 32 digit confirmation number to get tickets is a bit egregious. Someone else is shaking their heads that anyone could want to watch a movie preview...they spend the time strategically checking Facebook one last time before the lights go out and people start to judge.

So it was at this point that Elisa and I found common ground. As I stated at the beginning, I was comfortably in my chair before the previews had begun. We escaped from the snack counter with just drinks and a popcorn (no candy...we saved $32.50). It wasn't perfect execution. We were on the aisle, and I was frantically searching for a protractor app on my iPhone so I could silently cry at the poor angle. But it was the movies. I was happy. Elisa was putting up with me.

And then we found common ground. A joint alliance against the third type of moviegoer. The "I must be the only one in the theatre" moviegoer. This one took the cake, though. We were in a PG-13 movie at 7:00 PM. And the couple in front of us had brought their newborn. We were actually watching The Hunger Games, and to say that the newborn "added" to the experience would be stretching the truth. Nothing like watching teens commit murder on the silver screen with a "goo goo ga ga!" softly speaking in the background. The Hunger Games took a different meaning halfway through when baby needed dinner. But nothing could have prepared me for the strategic diaper change on the lap.

Perhaps it was just my imagination, but I swore I heard the following exchange:

Baby Moviegoer #1: "Honey, thanks for the Butterfinger! It's a shame it was melting, but it was a nice surprise anyway. I didn't know you brought snacks!"

Baby Moviegoer #2: "Dear? I didn't bring any snacks..."

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Hey sweetie? Tell me about that escape route you had mapped out.