The Road Not Taken
BY ROBERT FROST
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Seventeen days ago, I'm not sure I could have looked at Sam's journey as the one we were clearly meant to be on. Oh, I surely saw two paths diverging - one that all the well babies take and the one the Sam chose. But it has felt like a punishment up to this point. We've wondered what we possibly did wrong in the months leading up to Sam's birth to put a strain on his heart, his lungs, and his life. But today, of all days, I feel like I'm starting to understand that this path was taken for a reason. No, I'm not talking about spiritual influence outside of Elisa, Sam, or me. It's as if, right in this moment, Sam's presence in our life was destined to take us down this road that had yet to be trodden on. Lessons needed to be learned. Perspectives changed. Outlooks reshaped. Hope tested. Hope renewed.
I sit, writing what is something like my 25th blog post, but I don't write while at the hospital. I don't write it while waiting for the next feeding time to arrive. I don't write it with a sense of fear and dread. I write from my bedroom, while my beloved Elisa is sitting in Sam's room...holding Sam. Samuel Ryan Pierce - the kid that now shares my middle name, with feet and toes that Elisa already is making fun of - he's home. Finally. This first path ended at the same location as every well baby does...home. But Sam took the scarier, more unknown path. And he did it, I'm sure, because he needed to. And we needed him to. Even if I'm still unsure why.
But I'm getting ahead of myself, because Chapter 1 of our story still needs some catching up. After all, when you last left us, I was sitting in a hospital room as we tried to get comfortable with the monitors. So we start the conclusion of Chapter 1, back in that room. Listening for beeps. We actually stayed for 7 hours. I think, after this experience, you start to lose track of time. It surely didn't feel like 7 hours. Time passes so quickly that I'm still trying to look at a calendar and understand what day it is. Through the 7 hours, Elisa got some sleep. We watched a bunch of Friends episodes, and we each got to hold the little rugrat. At 11:00pm, we expected that we could feed Sam and get home by 11:30. We had made the conscious decision to stay home for the 2:00am and 5:00am feedings to try to get some sleep before Sam's homecoming. Again, I think Sam is smarter than we all realize. He decided to take an hour to eat. By the end, I was starting to come out of my tired phase. Sam, on the other hand, was sleepily content. This was the longest feeding we had experienced in the last week or so. Still testing us, little buddy.
I awoke to a text message at 7:30am. No, it wasn't the NICU. We hadn't heard a peep from them, so we figured that Sam was being a little champ. No, this text was from my Mom. Miles, who had been battling a cold, had woken at 2:00am with a croupy sounding cough. Nothing like getting your daily dose of panic 30 seconds after you wake up! That gets the blood flowing! So Elisa and I made plans to go to Sam's 8:00am feeding and then I would take Miles to After Hours Medical. We didn't fee like we could take a chance with croup on Sam's first day home. Sam's feeding at 8:00am went well - it was incredibly comforting to have the nurse say "he looks SO great!" on your going home day. So Elisa dropped me back at home to get the car, and I headed off to the Urgent Care. I met a smiling little Miles there. The model of cuteness, Miles looked bright eyed and happy. When we got to the room to have Miles examined, he calmly sat on the exam table. He let the doctor hear him breath, check his ears, his mouth, do a strep test, etc. And was so polite about it. Honestly, when a doctor exclaims that he wishes every little child was as helpful, you know you have a little slice of controlled heaven. Thankfully, it doesn't appear that he has croup, and we nixed any chance of strep. It gave us a level of calm to know that Miles was just getting over a virus. Plus, I grabbed a handful of kid's masks. Hey, the trip was worth it after all!
I sent Miles and Lukas off to swimming lessons and I ran home. Elisa had a very important errand to run (and to pick up coffee, of course!), so I spent an hour cleaning up the house. With Sam coming home, I figured it was time to organize a bit. The house had gotten away from us, after all. Elisa, on the other hand, got us coffees and went to Banbury Cross Donuts. Before Sam was born, Elisa and I had decided that I would go and buy Banbury donuts to have in the hospital room for visitors. After Sam's day of delivery, clearly we took the road less traveled. We had no desire to buy donuts. We didn't feel like celebrating. Instead, with Sam graduating from NICU, we took that idea and paid it forward. We bought two dozen donuts and I wrote a thank you card to all of the NICU staff for taking such great care of our little Sam. Even in my most frustrated moments with the doctors, the nurses were generally wonderful. I even tried to name all of the nurses that had looked after Sam - I think I stopped at 15, and I know I missed some. When we arrived to feed (and pick up) Sam, I delivered the note and the donuts to the front desk. The look on her face...how grateful she was and how she said that we didn't need to do it...made me realize that this is probably not something that happens a lot in the NICU. When we went into Level 2 NICU for the last time, Joyce (one of our favorite nurses) and joked that even though Sam was going home, we were not allowed to take the nursing curtains. I told her that I thought it was a parting gift. After they found out about the donuts, Joyce said that she had changed her mind, and she felt Banbury was worth one nursing curtain (albeit the one with broken wheels). I respectfully declined. Another nurse came up and said that if we were going to bring Banbury Cross donuts on every graduation day for Sam, they were just going to hold onto him each day. It would keep the donuts flowing.
After Sam had eaten and the nursing curtains were put away, Dr. Lupine gave us all of Sam's medical records to take with us to his Cardiology appointment on Monday. He covered a couple very helpful pieces. 1) he put Sam on vitamins, so each night, we have to give him nasty tasting vitamins that he'll probably spit out. 2) For the last day, he was worried about Sam's weight gain so he was wanting us to fortify the breastmilk with any bottle feedings. Apparently, Sam went from 8 lb. 12 oz. to 9 lbs. 2 oz. in the span of two days. The Dr. stated that we probably didn't need to fortify anymore. 3) I asked about the oxygenation monitor and Dr. Lupine stated that we only needed to use it when we weren't in the room with him, or when he was sleeping. No trying to have it working while we were at the grocery store or in the car. That brought a great sense of relief. Apparently, the monitor isn't for the doctors or their worry. It's for us and is meant to give us a level of confidence so that we can do things...you know, like sleep. Dr. Lupine wished us luck, and we worked with Deb (stripy socks nurse!) to collect our things and pass Sam's last little tests. He looked great and it was wonderful to see him lose the monitors. Elisa bundled him into the car seat, Deb carried him out, and before we knew it, we were hugging her and driving away. We were leaving St. Mark's with no plans to return. It was a fantastic feeling.
Getting home and presenting Sam to the boys was equally amazing. Lukas and Miles were sitting together on the couch, staring at the door. They both came up to him and welcomed him home. Due to Miles' cold, we gave him a little Mickey doctor's mask and Lukas and Miles sat and held their baby brother together. Elisa and I worked to figure out the oxygen (it took some time and rework) and we started to settle into home life. Again, as I write this, I am sitting on the edge of my bed. Sam is sleeping in his bassinette, with his monitor happily showing that he's doing great. Elisa, Miles, and Lukas are asleep next to me. I can't tell you how delightful a simple afternoon nap feels on a Saturday afternoon.
For the rest of today, we will relax as a family and start the bonding process between the fab five. But we also know that many of you want to see Elisa and Sam. And we'd love to have you. So a few things on visitation. First, we do plan on having a celebratory open house in the coming weeks. We just need to get a lay of the land with the Cardiologist and Pediatrician before doing so. If you want to come before, we'd love to see you. We just ask you to follow a couple of requests. We do have a NICU baby, after all:
- Please call before you come. That way, we can make sure we're alert, presentable, and available
- The boys tend to start their bedtime routines at around 7:00pm - any visiting before that is fine
- If you have any sense or feeling that you are sick, we ask you to wait to visit. The last thing Sam needs is a virus!
- If you're feeling better but don't want to take chances, we have lots of hand sanitizer and adult/child doctors's masks
- Don't be afraid to come see us. We are so grateful for the support and would love to see you.
- If you don't want to come now, look for more info on an open house in the coming weeks
I do want to stress that this is simply the end of Chapter One. We don't know what new scares, hopes, and realities await as we transition from NICU to two new doctors that are focused on getting Sam healthy for life. And I plan to continue to blog, to keep people updated and to keep me as sane (or less insane) as possible.
But, for the first time in 17 days, I actually feel like we're meant to be on this path. We're meant to learn some things about Sam, our family, and ourselves. We've already learned about the amazing family, friends, and acquaintances that we have. You have been wonderful and every "Like", comment, private message, text message, and phone call have been appreciated and have helped us through. I'm not sure where we go next. I don't know if it will be easy or difficult. But I do know that Sam started his life by staring down two roads and choosing the one less traveled by. For him. For us. And something that will be with us forever.
Sam chose the road not taken. And that has made all the difference.
Brad
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